Good Companions Offer Questions

In my family growing up in Denver, I was known for asking questions. Past the normal stage of questions and learning to answer questions on my own, I kept asking. I remember numerous instances when I asked a person I thought could respond. When they told me to search it on Google, I took it as a lost bid for connection. I’m sure it was often done with the hope for me to grow and learn. For me, it was always connected to a sense they wanted to keep me at a distance instead of being willing to “wonder” together (and sometimes to “wander” together!). In some ways, what I learned about my questions was that those should be explored individually. Do you know this story in your life? The story about how you have to figure it all out on your own.

It was only after much time that I recognized how my questions could be a gift to the world. It started in school, where I was praised for asking good questions in class. As I entered chaplaincy, my ability to ask meaningful and appropriate questions earned me the affirmation of many. So how can you be a good companion to yourself and the people around you? There are many ways! Of course, not all conversations are meant to be deep. Many are not, but you get to discern where you want to invest your honesty and vulnerability. It begins with holding that intention to connect with this person this time, and it’s much easier to practice in moment free of tension.

First, stop talking and stop thinking about what you’ll say.

Try to understand first. Let them drive the conversation. If your hope is to connect with this person, inviting them to lead the conversation by not jumping in and honestly trying to understand them is a great start. This includes waiting for them to ask you a question before you share.

Second, turn your listening towards genuine curiosity.

There’s plenty of reasons people don’t do this. For one, we don’t think about it, so we’re off on some other path first. We also have conversational habits of sympathizing. That looks like telling them, “You know what that makes me think of? ...” Being genuinely curious, you forget yourself and enter the world the other person is communicating. 

Third, wonder about the story that’s under the story they’re telling, and ask about that.

When you begin with these first two, you have more space to consider what’s happening. With that space, you will have more capacity to connect the story they’re telling with a bigger, deeper story about their life. These are moments of genuine connection, and your question here helps you to be a good companion on the journey.

Now read my three recommendations again and consider how you could turn that towards yourself. How could your running life benefit from you connecting better with yourself?