How do I begin to struggle well with another point of view?
I believe this is one of the most important questions in an age of such strong narratives of division. Us humans are notoriously poor at seeing ourselves clearly on our own. When we invite others into our world, we can reap the benefits of their perspective: of us, of our world, of their world. The downside is that it can be a real challenge to hear something difficult, something that doesn’t fit our confirmation bias. How can we grapple with this dynamic?
I propose we consider commitment, holding tension, and honesty.
One way to grapple with this dynamic is through commitment: family, marriage, formally joining a church community, joining a small group, or hiring a coach. The commitment, among other beautiful things, gives reason to return to that person or community even after their actions prompt avoidance or a desire to ignore them. Despite living on one planet, the human family hasn’t yet found ways to grapple well with a diversity of perspectives. We didn’t choose to be born on the same planet just as much as we didn’t choose to be born into a family with an annoying younger sibling or abusive/neglectful parents. The story of untransformed conflict in community is all too common, but our commitment to community can be one reason to try again. In some situations, the conversation needs to be more about healthy boundaries before self-reflection can arise, but the hope in many of these commitments is that engaging with the community will show you a bit of how you affect the world and that will prompt you to live well.
Anyone who has been married knows how
such a close relationship
can be a mirror
to one’s own actions.
Another way to grapple with the challenge to see ourselves more clearly is through cultivating an ability in ourselves to hold tension between points of view rather than taking a side. This is the internal path. Our brains would rather fit each new stimulus into one of a few known patterns rather than do the work of engaging it as it is. For the most part, this helps us function at a baseline, but the beginning of this path is cultivating an ability to recognize when something requires more consideration.
We’re talking about the very specific ability
to hold my reaction for long enough (an instant)
for my response to catch up.
The best opportunity to practice this is not the moment when you find yourself once again in that group (your family, social media) where you often react when you wish you had taken the time to respond. The same way we practice scenarios in our athletic lives, we can practice them in our inner lives. Consider trying to lift a weight that you haven’t mastered yet. The path begins with lifting smaller weights to get there. If you cannot do a pullup, you can start from holding yourself up as long as you can and slowly lowering. Make it easy for yourself at the beginning. Take time alone, practice noticing, and get comfortable with that space between noticing and responding. You cannot control your reaction, but you can affect what you do next, whether you pause to respond or jump head-first into your reaction. Consider Centering Prayer to cultivate this ability to notice. This contemplative Christian practice has borne fruit over the ages and seems so relevant in our time. For instructions and details on the practice read this article from the Center for Action and Contemplation with links to further resources.
Finally, consider the value of honesty. In a recent discussion with a pilgrim athlete about his frustrations in training, he shared for the first time that he had been restricting his calories. We have the commitment of working together on his training and on his relationship with God, and he chose to be honest that he was doing it to try to improve. I love to work with men who are self-starters, who take initiative in their training and relationship with God, and this was a beautiful opportunity to affirm his honesty.
With that honesty, we were able to look at his situation without my assumption that he was eating when he was hungry and eating plenty. (On a tangent, training with me isn’t going to work if you don’t eat plenty! Let’s discuss it.)
As we continued discussing, he shared that he thought it was his attempt at grasping for control when he thought his fitness was slipping. I love the initiative to improve, and at the same time, it actually made it harder for him to reach his goals, which broke my heart. We looked toward his relationship with God, which also showed some desire for control. He came up with several ways he can practice letting go of control in a healthy way. The point here is that being honest with yourself and with those around you gives you the solid ground to stand on for clear self-reflection. It is this solid ground that helps you deepen your relationship with God and celebrate why you run.
“...being honest with yourself and with those around you gives you the solid ground to stand on for clear self-reflection.”
Radical self-honesty helps us hold the tension of our world despite our desire to react with defensiveness, withdrawing, etc. And it helps us engage our commitments for more fulfillment. I look to God and recognize how much tension God must be holding: all the forces opposing one another in our world and all the cosmos. Each person has it within themselves to do this work, but I don’t think it happens as well (or at all) alone. When I hold the tension between my point of view and another’s, I think God is breaking through, especially when it would be so much easier to react and choose one side or another.
