How to Gather Your Support Team and Who to Include

“We can’t be brave in the big world without at least one small safe space to work through our fears and falls”

-Brene Brown

Now you see it. You’ve got that deer in the headlights look on your face, and you don’t know what to do. Your life is falling apart, and you’ve hit rock bottom. There’s no way to get it all back, but something inside you pushes ahead despite wanting to give up. You recognize that you’re going to need help and that you’re going to have to do the work to reach out for it. You’re motivated, but where do you start? Take stock. Go one step at a time, and be patient.

1. Stop and Take Stock

First, stop and take stock. So you’ve got “runner’s knee” or achilles tendonitis or IT band syndrome. Or maybe your years of low level anxiety and depression have flared up in a big way. Maybe your wife just told you she’s leaving you because of something you did or work relationships are falling apart along with your motivation to keep going. 

Take stock, and look around for the people who are good supports for you. But Chris, I don’t have anyone like that. Well, my friend, you’re not alone in that, but you may have to hire people or join a free support group to start. Many men feel that way, but some are in a middle place where they have some acquaintances but not anyone they can truly rely on. Oh, and that coworker or family member who keeps trying to solve your problems - they might not be the best support either because they may be attached in an unhealthy way, but you’ll have to take a clear look at their behavior over their words. 

You have come through an experience of powerlessness, and you know you can’t do it all by yourself. You will need a full team to win this game.

Take stock of your resources. Do you have access to someone who could help you take stock? Do you have health insurance or income that allows you to talk with a counselor? (They’re not just for people with a serious diagnosis.) What about a doctor or a physical therapist? Spiritual directors often do not charge or are very affordable. Do you think you could connect with any groups around you? From meet-ups to the church you attend to events put on by your favorite organizations, the question becomes, “What’s the next right step?” 

You have come through an experience of powerlessness, and you know you can’t do it all by yourself. You will need a full team to win this game, so get started. Fill the positions, and each person can be a help in their own way: a counselor, a couples counselor, a psychologist, a physical therapist, a doctor, a dentist, a spiritual director, a life coach, and other people in your profession as a group of people who know what it’s like to be you. You won’t likely have them all or all at the same time, but you have to be the one to recognize where your time/energy/money is best spent.

As you continue to reach out, you will see that your chosen family, whether biological or otherwise, are the connections you really need to recover from rock bottom. But before you get there, you’re going to have to start small.

Honestly, family is the most important element of your support team, but most people experience a fair amount of dysfunction there. The people in the roles above can provide outside perspectives to help you navigate complex family dynamics. As you continue to reach out, you will see that your chosen family, whether biological or otherwise, are the connections you really need to recover from rock bottom. But before you get there, you’re going to have to start small.

2. Start With One Step at a Time

Second, start with one step at a time. Begin with the easiest possible thing you could do to start moving in the right direction. That “runner’s knee” or achilles tendonitis or IT band syndrome isn’t going to disappear with a quick fix, and neither are family, marriage, or work problems. In running, just as in the rest of your life, consistency is key, and that can only grow step by step. How are you going to find a way to maintain the stoke to dig out of this hole? By the grace of God, one day at a time, with the help of your support team.

That “runner’s knee” or achilles tendonitis or IT band syndrome isn’t going to disappear with a quick fix, and neither are family, marriage, or work problems. In running, just as in the rest of your life, consistency is key, and that can only grow step by step.

3. Be Patient

Finally, be patient. You aren’t going to repair your discontent with your current situation, your tendency to see yourself as the victim in your story, or your loneliness in a day or a week. This is a long-term project, so you better strap in. Just like seeking your running potential may take seven to ten years of intentional training, your personal journey of transformation may take years to get past just trying to keep your head above water.

You begin as a victim, work to become a hero, and return the gift as a guide. This is the way of the Cross: the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is the universal path, and you’re the pilgrim along the way.

Here’s the hope: You hit bottom. Then you reach out, and you put in the daily work with your support team alongside. Through all of that you develop valuable skills, and you offer them to others because of your gratitude for the gift they were to you. You begin as a victim, work to become a hero, and return the gift as a guide. This is the way of the Cross: the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is the universal path, and you’re the pilgrim along the way. Like the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, you will find Christ meets you along the way after everything has fallen apart. You will encounter Christ in the breaking of the bread, and you will receive a gift that burns within you to be given to your world. You are exactly where you need to be.

I would love to hear from you. What’s your story of gathering your support team, and how has it helped you?